If I Would Have Known...

Most of my life, I have been the friend that always put forth so much effort to maintain the friendship. I consistently reached out and arranged plans to get together. Sometimes, I would feel as if I was the only one putting in effort. I still continued to call and check on my people. When I love you, I LOVE YOU. I don't know how to be fake. I've always been REAL and RAW with my feelings towards people. I think I am this way because to me, my friends are my family. I wouldn't know what family meant if it weren't for my friends. I thank God every single day for blessing me with the most amazing people. 

Each friendship is different. Some aren't as strong as others. Some don't last as long. Nonetheless, all of them are meaningful to me. I have learned so many lessons from each of my friends. Some of the lessons were difficult and taught me things to avoid. Some were good and made me want to strive to do better. I feel that God always knew who I needed in my life and when I needed them. There were times I hadn't talked to a certain person in years, and then out of nowhere, He would place them back in my life at exactly the right moment to comfort me and tell me what I needed to hear. I feel so fortunate to every person that has been a friend to me at some point, no matter how long. 

Where am I going with this? I am saying that I hope if you're reading this and you've been a friend to me....please know I appreciate you and I LOVE YOU.  I have lost too many people in the last three years after moving to South Carolina. Those people I've lost were incredibly important to me and I am not sure that all of them knew that.  I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this because If I Would Have Known that I was going to lose them.... I would have made the moments last longer.  I would have made sure they knew how much I loved them and still do.  I am 37 years old, and I never imagined losing so much FAMILY this early in my life. We all say life is short, but do we truly realize how short?  I'm not sure I realized until recently. 

I have always been the girl that took "too many" photographs and videos. I learned a while ago through grieving people that were still alive, that memories and photographs are the only thing that last a lifetime. Change is constant, and we never know what tomorrow is going to look like. I will continue to take snapshots and clips of my family until the day I close my eyes. It is what keeps me smiling on days like today. 

Today is Christmas Eve. I am home reminiscing about my family who is still with me and those who have left me. A little over a week ago, I found out that I lost another person who I considered family. She was on my mind right around the time of her passing, and I am kicking myself for not attempting to reach out. I would give anything to have one more genuine conversation with her.  I wish we could cry and laugh together just one more time. We had quite a bit in common, and she always had the right words for me. She could make me laugh on my worst day, and I pray she knew that. She was full of light and love. She was so beautiful (inside and out). Damn, I wish things were different. I wish we would have been in contact. I can't go backwards, so I just have to move forward and find peace with this. I will continue to look at our photographs together and listen to her laugh every time I think of her. 

This holiday season is my reminder to do better... to go back to being the friend who makes the effort even when I don't feel like it. Life is constantly busy being a single mom, but I need to focus of who is important to me and make sure they know it. So when ya'll get random texts from me saying "I love you."---- now y'all know why. I pray that my friends (near and far) know how much they mean to me. Tomorrow isn't promised so I am letting y'all know today. I LOVE YOU ALL! 

Many Blessings,

J. Lynn