When Dante was born, I thought his father would show up at the hospital, but he didn't. I also thought I would get to hold my son all night long and watch him fall asleep, but instead he was transferred to the NICU at a different hospital from where he was delivered. Since I only spent about a hour with him after he was born, I didn't get much skin to skin contact with him.
The following day I asked to be discharged so I could go visit my son. However, when I showed up at the NICU, I was only allowed to visit for about a hour and wasn't able to breastfeed him. The first time I really tried to nurse him was on day three of his life. He latched on well, but I was only getting some colostrum. The nurses encouraged me to pump every 2 hours to increase milk production. I tried unenthusiastically a couple of times after a nurse showed me how to use the electric pump and stood there waiting for me to give it a go. I didn’t continue to pump because I was exhausted and in so much pain. It was only when I left the hospital and in the privacy of my own home, I finally pumped for the first time for real. And just as I feared, nothing came out. Well, I shouldn’t say nothing — a very little amount of milk came out. I continued pumping about seven times a day — getting only the tiniest amount of breast milk. I dreaded the end of a pumping session as much as I counted the seconds until its arrival because it was at the end that my insufficiency was always confirmed. I usually got only half an ounce. A newborn baby drinks an average of 24 ounces of milk each day and here I was producing only a small fraction of that. About a week and a half later, Dante's pediatrician gave me the contact information for a breastfeeding center. I decided to make an appointment with a lactation consultant. During the appointment, I discovered that I had a lot of strikes against me and most likely, I wouldn't ever produce much more milk. I was told to take Fenugreek supplements every day, three times a day and to do breast compressions. I tried those recommendations for another week and when the benefit stopped feeling worth the sacrifice, I quit. There was a limit to what I could withstand emotionally and physically. It’s an unbelievably lonely feeling to not be able to breastfeed your baby if you wish you could. However, slowly but surely, the shame of being inadequate has subsided and now I am experiencing relief. I’m relieved that I have the time and emotional reserve to enjoy my baby in a way I couldn’t before. I’m relieved that I never have to worry about suffering the consequences of engorged breasts. I’m relieved that after nearly a year of growing a baby, my body is mine again. I can drink and eat whatever I want without fretting. But what I’m most relieved about is that the love between my baby and me has not been compromised by the way I feed him.
Postpartum isn't easy nor sexy! I developed a varicose vein on my vagina about seven weeks before I delivered, and I still have it. It hurts like hell along with these hemorrhoids I got from pushing for three hours. I sat on a doughnut for about a week and had no shame! I bled like a red river for the first week and had to change my diaper almost every time I changed Dante's. I had to make a trip to my OBGYN within the first two weeks. The only good thing about that visit was my doctor telling me how nice and flat my stomach looked for only being 10 days postpartum and how much my partner should love me. When I told him that I didn't have a partner, he said "well, that's his loss!" HAHA! My tummy may be flat, but the fact that I can't exercise is driving me crazy. I have to wait two more weeks, and I don't know if I really will. My clothes fit pretty well, but I have so much loose skin that needs toned. My baby boy weighs 10 pounds now, but when I lift him, it seems like 100 pounds because I'm so weak.
It's true what they say about first time mothers worrying about every little thing. We've already made three trips to Dante's pediatrician in just four short weeks. All of his doctor's appointments turned out well, despite the fact that I thought every symptom he had was fatal. I stayed awake for the first few nights staring at him and checking his temperature every couple hours. I was paranoid that the love of my life was not feeling well. He's been constipated and had a clogged tear duct, but those issues are minor. All I can do is try to remain calm and trust that God will take care of him. I laugh at the things I worried about after the fact. God is good, and Dante will be just fine. He's the happiest baby I've ever seen. He smiles about ninety percent of the time. He is already laughing and staring into my eyes to let me know that he is alright. The day I stopped nursing him, he put his arm around my waist for the first time and gave me a hug. My child is healthier and smarter than I even want to believe.
If you need help, ask for it. Our first few weeks at home, I had my mama stay the night because I genuinely had no idea what I was doing and was totally exhausted from the pain and sleepless nights. I'll be honest - it’s extremely difficult to do by yourself. I had no clue how time consuming babies were and how the simplest of things like going for a shower, having a cup of coffee or writing a blog post were going to become monumental accomplishments! Whether it’s your husband, family member or friend — let them help you so that you can remain sane.
Babies grow so quickly! Don't buy more than a few newborn outfits. Dante was so long that he wasn't able to fit into newborn clothes after a week or so. My opinion is you can’t have too many sleepers and sleep sacs. He has so many cute outfits, but he hasn’t wore hardly any of them mainly because we don't go out much and I just want him to be comfortable.
I have one last piece of advice from the biggest lesson I've learned. Sleep when your baby is sleeping. I know this is well-known piece of advice but it’s true. There is nothing worse than dealing with a fussy baby while struggling to keep your eyes open. I have trouble sleeping during the daylight so if I can't fall asleep, I at least rest on the couch. Take every chance you get to relax. I'm so thankful that I decided to take 12 weeks of maternity leave because the time is already flying by.
Being a MAMA is AMAZING!
~ J. Lynn
