If I Would Have Known...

Most of my life, I have been the friend that always put forth so much effort to maintain the friendship. I consistently reached out and arranged plans to get together. Sometimes, I would feel as if I was the only one putting in effort. I still continued to call and check on my people. When I love you, I LOVE YOU. I don't know how to be fake. I've always been REAL and RAW with my feelings towards people. I think I am this way because to me, my friends are my family. I wouldn't know what family meant if it weren't for my friends. I thank God every single day for blessing me with the most amazing people. 

Each friendship is different. Some aren't as strong as others. Some don't last as long. Nonetheless, all of them are meaningful to me. I have learned so many lessons from each of my friends. Some of the lessons were difficult and taught me things to avoid. Some were good and made me want to strive to do better. I feel that God always knew who I needed in my life and when I needed them. There were times I hadn't talked to a certain person in years, and then out of nowhere, He would place them back in my life at exactly the right moment to comfort me and tell me what I needed to hear. I feel so fortunate to every person that has been a friend to me at some point, no matter how long. 

Where am I going with this? I am saying that I hope if you're reading this and you've been a friend to me....please know I appreciate you and I LOVE YOU.  I have lost too many people in the last three years after moving to South Carolina. Those people I've lost were incredibly important to me and I am not sure that all of them knew that.  I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this because If I Would Have Known that I was going to lose them.... I would have made the moments last longer.  I would have made sure they knew how much I loved them and still do.  I am 37 years old, and I never imagined losing so much FAMILY this early in my life. We all say life is short, but do we truly realize how short?  I'm not sure I realized until recently. 

I have always been the girl that took "too many" photographs and videos. I learned a while ago through grieving people that were still alive, that memories and photographs are the only thing that last a lifetime. Change is constant, and we never know what tomorrow is going to look like. I will continue to take snapshots and clips of my family until the day I close my eyes. It is what keeps me smiling on days like today. 

Today is Christmas Eve. I am home reminiscing about my family who is still with me and those who have left me. A little over a week ago, I found out that I lost another person who I considered family. She was on my mind right around the time of her passing, and I am kicking myself for not attempting to reach out. I would give anything to have one more genuine conversation with her.  I wish we could cry and laugh together just one more time. We had quite a bit in common, and she always had the right words for me. She could make me laugh on my worst day, and I pray she knew that. She was full of light and love. She was so beautiful (inside and out). Damn, I wish things were different. I wish we would have been in contact. I can't go backwards, so I just have to move forward and find peace with this. I will continue to look at our photographs together and listen to her laugh every time I think of her. 

This holiday season is my reminder to do better... to go back to being the friend who makes the effort even when I don't feel like it. Life is constantly busy being a single mom, but I need to focus of who is important to me and make sure they know it. So when ya'll get random texts from me saying "I love you."---- now y'all know why. I pray that my friends (near and far) know how much they mean to me. Tomorrow isn't promised so I am letting y'all know today. I LOVE YOU ALL! 

Many Blessings,

J. Lynn

Life is Fragile

Life is fragile. The slightest change, one decision can alter everything. Your life can take a totally different direction in a matter of minutes. Usually, we don't know how the decisions we make each day will impact our paths until much later in the future. People come and go from our lives so frequently, and all we are left with are memories. We take those memories, both good and bad, and try to understand what it all means.

I have made a few big decisions in the past that I expected to take me down a certain path, and come to find out, I ended up on an alternative path that God planned out for me. We can only see the small scale of the picture. God has the big picture which is out of our hands. 

During college, I chose to leave my current school and transfer to a school in my hometown. At the time, I thought I was making the right choice. Little did I know that I would start hanging out with the wrong crowd and become involved in several toxic romantic relationships. That one decision put me on a path that I never saw coming. However, I don't have regrets because failing is how we grow. If I wouldn't have experienced all those bad relationships, I wouldn't be the strong woman I am today. 

In my 30s, I made a conscious decision to have sex with someone who was not committed to me. That decision led me to being a single mother. When I first found out I was pregnant and was going to be raising a child on my own, I was devastated. Being abandoned caused me so much anger and resentment. The depression I experienced was unreal. I didn't understand why God would put me in this situation.  Three years later, I had an opportunity to move to my dream location near the ocean. This would not have been possible if I were still with my son's father. He would never leave his hometown to build a new life somewhere else. I am incredibly grateful that things didn't work out in Pittsburgh with my son's father. I thought that was what I wanted, but I would have been settling. 

Since moving to the beach, I've experienced constant change. I chose to cut ties with my family. I chose to end relationships with certain friends who were no longer supporting me and lifting me up. I quit two jobs in a year's time. I met several new people, some of which were temporary friendships and some that turned into strong, lasting friendships. My point is all these decisions seem small at the time when you're making them, but they can lead you to places you never saw coming. And because life is fragile, I am holding onto the present moment with everything in me. I don't want to take my eyes off this chapter of my life where everything seems to make complete sense.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, it just takes a long time to find out the reason why. If all these events didn't take place in my life, I would not be where I am today. I would not have met the people here who I am so thankful to have in my corner.  I am so happy to be standing here today in complete awe of how my life has turned out. God knows what we need. Don't ever doubt that. 

- J. Lynn