We have all experienced hurt and pain in our relationships. Some are more painful than others. Sometimes the experience is so painful, it feels like it takes forever to heal, especially when a child is involved too. However, holding a grudge hurts you and your child. It's time to let your anger and frustration go, and begin to forgive. You have to focus on the gift in your situation.
In my own personal experience, I was deserted by my significant other and my family wasn't happy at all when I told them I was pregnant almost a year ago. My significant other didn't want another child, but he was getting one anyways because abortion wasn't an option for me. My parents didn't want a bi-racial grandchild or a fatherless grandchild, but they were going to get both. The hurt that came over me was indescribable. Nonetheless, I chose to focus on my blessing (my son) and live a positive life through all the tribulations.
Here are your action steps:
1. Recognize the problem.
Why are you persisting to hold a grudge? Allow yourself to see the real issue. Then you can then make a choice to move forward from there.
2. Share your feelings.
A grudge can form when an issue isn’t fully confronted, and stand in the way of any forward growth. Without being judgmental about yourself or another, explain your feelings on the situation. Decide if this is something you will work on yourself, with a therapist, and/or by having a conversation with the other person. Whether you work it out on your own or not, you will feel better by working through it, because processing a situation releases the stress that's built up.
3. Take their perspective.
Put yourself in their shoes. Taking their perspective can give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior. Maybe they are also in pain or frustrated with the situation. Different people handle situations differently. Now, this doesn’t justify any bad behavior or negativity, but it can help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is not to let go of a grudge.
4. Accept what is.
"It is what it is." You can choose to create your own healing, with or without any acknowledgement or apology. Don’t wait for another to come to their senses and apologize -- you may wait for years!
5. Don’t dwell on it.
Once you have decided to move on, keep on moving. Don’t put too much thought into the situation or continuously discuss it. It will only make things worse and harder to get over. If someone brings the issue up in conversation, change the subject and tell them it's in the past.
6. Own the situation.
If you take the position that it's all on you, then you own 100% of the responsibility. The person who does that is not a victim, but a victor!
7. Let it go.
Work on letting it go so you don't have any negative energy on the situation at all, and that's when it starts to get good. You'll feel so much relief.
8. Forgive.
Of course forgiving doesn’t mean you will forget what's happened, but it’s the only way to truly let go and have peace.
9. Get positive and be grateful.
There are positive aspects even in the most negative of situations. God turns every bad circumstance into something good.
Here's my story of how and why I chose to become better instead of bitter. I chose to be in a relationship with my son's father. He knew I wanted a child, and I knew he didn't. Nonetheless, we weren't cautious about having sex. He may be the biggest bastard on Earth (or at least a competitor) but you know what? I fell in love with him and had his child. I shared my feelings with him when I took a pregnancy test and it turned out positive. He decided to not care about how I felt and completely walked away from the situation. After that day, I thought about his perspective and decided to accept his choice. I knew I couldn't change how he felt. Then, I had to tell my family that I was going to be a single mother of a bi-racial baby. My family wasn't happy with me. They thought that I should have been more aware of who I was involved with. They didn't understand why I was having sex when I wasn't married. Basically, they told me my life was over and that they would never forgive me for ruining their lives. After all of that, I chose to distance myself from the negativity until they either disowned me or decided to accept what was happening. Thankfully, by the Grace of God, my family came around. My family loves my son more than anything in this world. My son's father still hasn't come around, but I'm totally content because my son receives enough love from me and others.
I'm BETTER not BITTER ..... You can be too!
~ J. Lynn
