For as long as I can remember, I let people’s opinions of me control my emotions and my life. However, when I was about the age of 26 or 27, I knew my goal was to live a simple life at the beach. I tried for quite some time to land a job so I could move out of Pittsburgh. Things didn't go as I had hoped.
When I was 31, I found out I was pregnant. The father of my child straight up abandoned me. My family was very disappointed with the situation so the negative comments coming from them were drowning me. I wanted to kill myself. I literally thought I would be better off dead. Being surrounded by a toxic environment while being pregnant is brutal.
My sister told me that I was going to be in debt for the rest of my life once my child arrived. I was called a slut and a whore by my mother. My mother told me I had failed her and that she was broken because of my choices. Both of my parents said that I was going to have such a hard life raising a biracial child in this world and that I would be constantly judged. Meanwhile..."hello" ..they were judging me! Every where I looked, I was being judged. I never had a good relationship with my family, but this was the icing on the cake for me.
Once my son was born, my parents were helpful but only because they wanted to be in control of everything I did. They continued to try to dictate my every move. They continued to criticize me, whether it was about my parenting skills, or me wanting to have a night out. The comments just never ended. I knew if I wanted to heal and move forward in life, I had to leave my environment for good.
My son’s father slowly came around. He decided to come meet him when he was 3 months old. He would visit periodically, like every few months, for the first two years. He saw him more frequently after my son turned two, but still not enough in my opinion.
My parents and my son’s father continued to do more harm than good though. My mental state was always terrible because of their toxicity. I continued to do the best I could to raise my son in not so healthy environment. However, I also continued to work my ass off in my career so that I could potentially change jobs in order to move out of Pennsylvania. I was applying for jobs left and right, and I had plenty of interviews but nothing was panning out. That didn’t stop me!
Finally, in January of 2020, my dream of living at the beach in South Carolina became my reality.
God’s timing is always the right timing. We may not understand the timing of things, but we have to trust God and remain patient. I wake up every day now with zero toxicity and the ocean by my side.
I am so proud of myself for recognizing my worth after all the years of unacceptable behaviors that I was accepting from people that I loved. I had the courage to leave all those people behind who had treated me in ways that were unacceptable and inexcusable. I had the strength the persevere.
- J. Lynn
