Hardly any words can come close to describing the pain you feel when you realize that the person who was once your best friend has become a stranger to you. It’s a deeper kind of loss, because it’s not like that person just betrayed you. Life betrayed you. You never envision someone you've known and loved for eight plus years to not be who you thought they were. You expect the one person that you have shared all your dreams, hopes and scars with to be your biggest supporter and to never leave your side when things get tough. One day, you think you're going to tie the knot, and the next moment you find out you're pregnant which leads to you to being single.
You don’t doubt that you loved your ex or that your ex loved you, but when your ideas of love failed to match up, so did the relationship. You look back on the good times and laugh, and reflect on the bad ones to remind yourself of how far you've come. It’s not that you’re not open to the idea of love again. It’s just that when it does happen, you’ll go in with open eyes. Now is the period of time when you aren’t sure if you’re going to make it … to the end of the week or even through the day. You’re in a dark place.
I didn’t laugh for months. I was terrified that I wasn’t going to be able to raise a happy child or fall in love again. I was feeling as if this darkness would never go away. Others opinions, including my own twin sister's, were causing me so much doubt and fear. The gossip and judgment from certain people was destroying my mental state. My tunnel was filled with lots of words I am not fond of: anxiety, depression, desolation, fear, frustration, loneliness, sadness. I recall many weekends lying on the couch and thinking to myself that if I just took another nap, I would wake up and this would only be a bad dream. I had to find a way to stay focused with my work, keep my body healthy, and my bank account full.
It took me a while to find the right "formula" of things that helped me. There were 3 things that helped me through my tunnel: God's word, exercise and a variety of personal-development books. I used these things to push me, help me grow, and encourage me to move forward. Although I endorse my formula, each individual has things that work best for them through their tunnel.
The best approach to crack your code is to try different activities to find the ones that reverberate most with you. If practicing yoga sounds fun, do yoga. If reading a certain book sounds interesting, do that. The idea is to create a list of action items that work for you. You’ll refer to this list over and over again.
There is never an end to this process, single mama. I am still trying my best to grow and learn. Each time I reread a book or re-evaluate an old process, I will hear “new” things and some of the same things differently. I’m eager about the changes that will occur internally, which will allow for some exhilarating changes to occur externally.
You can incessantly improve and love yourself in spite of any mistakes or slip-ups. You can take the time you need for you, so take it and enjoy it. It's faultlessly okay to focus closely on your child. You, as your child's solo parent, are enough. Your child is going to turn out great. You get what you focus on, in love and in life. You can find new love again. You must forgive yourself, daily if necessary. You're not a victim, you're a conqueror.
Whatever you want for yourself and your child, you can craft it. Simply take the first step, and then the next, and so on. Take ownership of every facet of your life. Single mama, you're freaking fabulous!
I want to finish here with some encouragement from a single mama: “You’re going to make it! There are lots of sacrifices, but you will make it. I promise you the days will get easier, and the sunshine will come your way!”
~ J. Lynn
